


Hold Me Tight

by mintysoob



Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Cutting, Gen, I'm Sorry, Mentioned panic attack, Not Beta Read, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, but not graphic, i was sad so i wrote this, not graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27134483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintysoob/pseuds/mintysoob
Summary: There were no warm arms nearbyJust stressAnd hurtAnd exhaustionAll the noises in his head were overwhelmingAndHe just couldn't stop himself
Relationships: Son Dongju | Xion & Everyone
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	Hold Me Tight

**Author's Note:**

> I'm...sorry...  
> I was sad so I wrote this lmao.
> 
> Beware this is unbeta'd and does contain mistakes, I apologise in advance.

Dongju huffs, sweat dripping down his face and he tries to catch his breath. Dance practice was always tiring no matter how many times he's done it so far. He's always lacking, a beat behind and he can't get his movements sharp like the rest. Their debut is looming over everyone and he can't help his thoughts drifting to how he isn't ready for it. Doesn't deserve it maybe. Can't make it.

He doesn't want to drag the rest of the team down.

His thoughts have been like this for a while now. Just darkness. And no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to catch up to the light. The faint light at the end of the tunnel where the rest of his members are. 

This happens sometimes. When he's stressed. His thoughts get overtaken with all his self doubt. His insecurities. His flaws. He's used to it. It... just feels a tad bit worse than usual lately.

Usually he just goes and talks to Dongmyeong. Confide all his troubles to his twin. Be held and taken care of with someone that doesn't mind the tears. Doesn't judge the scars. But unfortunately Meongie was away with his band, making their own preparations in the hopes of debuting soon as well.

He knows his hyungs would never judge (at least he hopes so) but it's always been a bit hard for him to reach out. For him to share his troubles. 

Everyone has troubles, why would he bother them with his.

So… he was alone. Not literally but… he felt lonely. And he didn't mean to do it. He didn't mean to relapse. But… his thoughts were too loud and his brother's warm arms weren't there to hold him together. He was falling apart.

"Dongju!" Hwanwoong yells and Dongju snaps out of his thoughts and guiltily looks over to where Woong is standing at the speaker "I was calling out to you for the past minute." He asks with concern. "O-oh sorry hyung, guess I spaced out for a minute there." Dongju said and scratched the back of his head, flinching/wincing when the fabric of his sweater scratched over his wound. "Are you okay? Did you hurt your arm?" Hwanwoong asks when he noticed the brief flash of pain over the maknaes features.

Dongju's eyes goes wide for a second as his heart rate picks up. Did his hyung know what he did? No no no. There's no way. He made sure no one saw and got rid of all the evidence. Yeah. Everything's fine. Maybe he saw Dongju do a move wrong. He didn't know. 

"Dongju?" Hwanwoong asked after not receiving an answer.

"Yes hyung, I'm fine!" Dongju said slapping on a smile "My arm is fine, I guess I'm just a little tired" he said, giggling awkwardly and hoping his hyung would stop interrogating him. Luckily Keonhee called him over to help with a move before Woong could say anything further. 

Dongju sighed in relief but quickly bit his lip as a shot of pain went through his arm again. His stupid sweater keeps rubbing against the cut when he dances. How he wished he could just take it off, but that was definitely out of the question. He did this to himself and the last thing he wanted is everyone seeing it. 

When Dongju looks back up his eyes lock with Geonhak who was staring at him with slightly furrowed brows. Has he been looking at him this whole time? Dongju quickly looks away, schooling his expression and hoping that Geonhak didn't pick up on anything. 

"Okay break's over, let's go again!" says Hwanwoong and everyone gets back into their positions. 

Just a bit more.

Before he knows it practice is over and he, like the rest of the members, fall to the floor with exhaustion. Preparing for debut meant practicing harder than ever before. That didn't mean he was good enough though. He was still the worst. He sometimes still wondered how he made it into the group when they'd be perfectly fine without him, maybe even better.

He had to practice. With his stupid arm he was definitely behind in practice today. He had to do something to catch up. To prove to people, and himself, that he belonged there. Even just a little bit.

That's why when everyone wss heading out, back to the dorm, he said that he was going to stay to practice a bit more.

"Are you sure? You shouldn't overwork yourself..." Youngjo asks while the rest of the members file out of the room looking ready to fall straight into their beds. Only Youngjo and Geonhak were still in the room, gathering a few last things before heading out as well.

"Don't worry hyung I won't, I just want to go over some moves again." Dongju said smiling to his hyungs "We all know I need the practice." he says a bit softer and turns away, not noticing the shared look of concern his hyungs share.

"...If you're sure" Youngjo says, knowing he couldn't force Dongju to go back with them, "Just don't take too long."

"I won't hyung, I just want to go over the dance a few times." Dongju says again, his back to his hyungs while he stretched his body again.

Just as they were finally leaving Geonhak looked back at Dongju's figure with a sad face. He knew something was wrong. "Call me to come get you, okay?" Dongju looked back over his shoulder with suprise "Yeah hyung I will" he said with a slight smile.

Dongju sighs as soon as the practice room's door is closed and leans back to lie down, his body still a bit in pain from all the practice they've been doing. He takes a deep breath feeling a bit overwhelmed all of a sudden. His emotions felt like a dam that was about to break open. But he could handle this. He's used to it. And now wasn't the time for that dam to break.

He slowly sits back up and carefully takes off his sweater, trying not to irritate his cut any more. Once his sweater was off he inspected his arm, it was red from how his sweater rubbed against the new wound.

It was only one cut. He didn't mean to do it. He hasn't done it since middle school. One of the worst years of his life. When his self esteem and self worth plummeted and the only thing that brought him relief was pulling a razor over his skin. He stopped quickly though. The day he got caught in the act by his twin felt surreal. The look on his brother's face, mouth agape and eyes full of hurt, the tears streaming down. It hurt too much. He didn't want to bring pain onto others like that. So he made a promise with Dongmyeong one night, that he'd always talk to him, always share his worries because as he said all those years ago "you aren't alone" even when he still felt like the worst being on earth. 

It was easier to stop than he thought but there always stayed a longing. On those tough nights when he felt like the world was going to crash down he found his hand reaching for a blade, but he always stopped himself in time. Remembered his brother in the next room over and thought better, instead going there and curling up next to him in bed. Clinging to his side as tears flowed down and warm arms enveloped him.

This time though….

There were no warm arms nearby

Just stress

And hurt

And exhaustion 

All the noises in his head were overwhelming

And

He just couldn't stop himself

He made one cut then he was brought back to reality. He quickly threw away the blade, guilt and shame overtaking him. He rushed to put his arm under cold water, letting the blood wash away. The cut wasn't deep at all, barely a scratch on the surface, but his self hatred ran in overdrive. He was angry at himself for doing this again. But at the end of it all he just felt numb. Numb to the pain. Numb to the world.

That night he quickly washed his arm in warm water and pulled on a long sleeved shirt, feeling relieved that it was winter and no one would suspect anything and went straight to bed.

That was last night.

Now he was regretting it all over again.

He turned on the music again to start going over the routine again and hopefully clear his thoughts. He was fully immersed, hitting the moves easier now that nothing was irritating his skin. He hit every move as best he could, every turn, jump and kick when finally the song stopped and he fell to the ground breathing heavily. Pain all over. And even worse pain from all his nefative thoughts that just never stops.

"Dongju"

An uncertain voice behind him said and Dongju froze on the spot on the practice room floor. In the mirror in front of him he sees Geonhak staring at him with big (hurt?) eyes.

Dongju stops breathing. He slowly turns around and to look Geonhak in the eyes. The expression on his face broke Dongju's heart

"W-what's that on your arm?" he whispers in the almost silent room with trembling lips, eyes fixed on Dongju's arm, the bright red cut visible.

Geonhak slowly steps forward towards Dongju who was still frozen in place, his mind a whirlwind of emotions. Should he run? Should he lie?

But he couldn't do that.

Geonhak was his hyung. His soft giant hyung who took so much care with everything, who had a literal heart of gold. Before he knew it Geonhak was already standing in front of him, crouched down to look at Dongju at eye level.

"hey it's okay" Geonhak says, barely a whisper, and wipes a tear from Dongju's cheek. He hadn't even noticed that he was crying.

Suddenly Dongju falls forward into Geonhak's arms, feeling weak all over and Geonhak catches him in time, holding him close. Geonhak stays like that for a while, letting Dongju calm his breathing.

"I-i'm so-sorry" Dongju chokes out, breathing ragged.

"Hey calm down, listen to me. Breath" Geonhak says urgently, not completely understandingwhat was going on "you need to breah before you have a panic attack, okay? Now breath with me, in and out, in and out." Geonhak continued while Dongju struggled to control his breathing, fingers clutching onto Geonhak's shirt nearly ripping it.

Dongju was trying his best to listen to Geonhak's instructions but everything just felt too much. He didn't want to be found out. He didn't want to make anyone angry. He just couldn't help it. He shouldn't even exist. Geonhak's calm low voice somehow made Dongju's guilt rise up and everything just /hurt/.

Before he knows it his vision goes black and he loses consciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll maybe finish this? We'll see... I'm a very slow writer.
> 
> Sorry again
> 
> You can find me on twitter at @/mintywoong
> 
> Please let me know if I missed any tags, I don't want to accidentally trigger anyone.
> 
> And thank you for reading this mess <3


End file.
